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How Far is Too Far?


How far can I go physically in a romantic relationship? This question is asked a lot, especially by Christian singles.

It’s our human nature to want to push boundaries and please ourselves as much as possible.  Yet as a believer we want to follow God’s Word and not sin against Him.  So there is this tension between pleasing ourselves and pleasing God.

Like the Apostle Paul said in Romans;

“So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.” Romans 7:21-23

So the question, “How far is too far?” is a question that has its roots in our flesh.  No one asks, “How pure can I be without getting legalistic.”  Really what we’re saying is, “How much pleasure can I get before I’m sinning.”  However, our focus as a Christian should be to please God as much as possible in every area of our lives.  

God isn’t up their trying to stop us from enjoying sexual relations. Instead, He has a plan for our sexuality, and only in His plan and timing does it bring real joy and fullness.

The Bible is very clear on sexual sin.

1 Corinthians 6:13- “However, the body is not for sexual sin but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body.”

In two of Paul’s letters he says to RUN from sexual sins.

2 Timothy 2:22- Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.”

1 Corinthians 6:18- “Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body.”

God created us as sexual beings and sex is good, but God set it in the parameters of marriage.  God created sex to be enjoyed in marriage. Society preaches “free sex” as long as protection is used.  But can we really be sexually free? Or does promiscuity complicate and confuse your sex life? What media fails to show is the pain that results from breakups, jealousy, unwanted pregnancies, the pain of abortions, and sexually transmitted diseases.

Check out this scripture below.

1 Corinthians 6:16-20- There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, “The two become one.” Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never “become one.” There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for “becoming one” with another. Or didn’t you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don’t you see that you can’t live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.”MSG

One thing I didn’t realize as a Christian young person was that a kiss cannot just stay a kiss. God designed a kiss to be the doorway to open the sexual desires and passions for your spouse in marriage. So a kiss leads to a longer kiss, a longer kiss leads to moving hands on each other’s bodies, which leads to more and more and more.  I don’t think we were designed to just stop at a kiss.

I always laughed at Christian couples who didn’t kiss until their wedding day. I thought they were so silly. It wasn’t until I met my husband, that I realized the wisdom in holding in this. It really was to protect themselves from falling into sexual sins.

So ‘how far is too far?’ Anything that stimulates sexual desires is too far.

Lisa Bevere one of the greatest world changers in this generation says, “How far is too far? As far as you would go if your dad was standing right there in the room with you.”

Our friends from Chicago told us an illustration and I think it is very clear on how far is too far. Would you kiss your mom on the check? Yes, of course. Would you kiss your mom on the lips? Yeah, when I was 5, but not anymore. Would you French-kiss your mom? Gross, no way. Why not? Because – that is turning the sexual corner.

So anything sexual is too far. This sexual part of you is designed for your spouse only. Once you say ‘I Do’ on your wedding day, it is fair game.

This isn’t to stop your life, but to bless your life. How awesome will it be one day to come to your marriage bed completely pure for your husband. To tell him that you saved every part of your sexuality just for him.

I have never met anyone who said they wish they didn’t wait to have sex until their wedding night. But, I have met many people who have said that they wished they would have waited.  

Nor have I ever met anyone who said they were thankful for all the men they have slept with before their spouse. It seems that “sexual freedom” always takes away from the person you love. 

If you have already made mistakes, I have great news for you.  God can cleanse you and forgive you. The amazing thing about God is that He can make you white as snow (Isaiah 1:18).

I challenge you to be honest with yourself and the relationships that you are in. If you need to take a step back in the relationship, then don’t be afraid, it is for your future marriage. If you are a teen and not near marriage, you may not need to be in a relationship right now, because the natural progression of a relationship is for it to grow romantically and sexually. If your questioning its future I encourage you to check out my blog on ‘What Age Should I Start Dating?’ to find out more.

My advice if you are at a marriageable age is to seriously pray about the relationship that you are in. Is it physically driven or spiritually driven? You want a spouse who cares you and not just your body – there is a difference. You want a God-Given relationship.

Love, Alyssa


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